Without A Net

highwirebarbed

Sometimes I’m afraid that I put off an air of always being up, always being positive, always ‘on top of the world.’ While it’s true that at my core I’m of a sunny disposition, it’s shared with an equal amount of unhappiness. There’s nothing singular about me; being a Libra, the sign of the scales, I’m riddled with duality. In the midst of the most overwhelming sadness I can always find a reason to smile, and in the happiest of moments I’m always aware that sadness lays just under the surface. People often say to me, “You’ve been through so much grief in your life and yet you’re such a happy person,” and I always respond with, “It’s really not that profound; I just don’t want the fun to be over.” The older I get, the better I get at this, too, because I know nothing lasts forever and everything can change in the blink of an eye. I think this duality keeps me ready for anything.

The past month hasn’t been easy, emotionally. There have been some earthshaking crises that could have thrown me off-balance if I hadn’t retreated from them. I don’t mean I quit dealing with them, I just needed distance from unnecessary involvement, and I claimed my right to protect myself from the fallout. Some might see this as selfish, but is that so terrible? If I were walking through a mine field and somebody yelled, “Don’t step there!” I certainly wouldn’t keep walking. But setting emotional boundaries is hard for me because I run the risk of being misunderstood.

“Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame.
Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries–knowing
your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.”
Darlene Lancer

In many ways March has been one of the hardest months I’ve experienced in a long time, and in other ways it actually is the hardest. If my decision has caused anyone pain I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intent. But then, I have faith that my family and friends understand this. Instead of judging or taking sides, I have drawn inward to measure my emotional responses so that I can maintain balance. Consequently, I’m feeling stronger now and that tenuous balance is intact. Even if it often feels like a dance upon a high wire without a net.

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